Airport Security Check

What's up with the increased security checks at airports? Full body scans? Invasive pat downs? Next time I finish clearing security, I'm going to get tested for STDs.

I heard that the sexual offenders who lived under the causeway in Miami had all cleared out. They applied for positions in airport security. Is there a better dream job for a perv than at the TSA? Their background checks better be top notch.

It's not like criminals are ever busted working at Miami International Airport. Well, none besides the cargo handlers and the fuel distributors and the...hey, this is South Florida.

Don't the officers who "privately" look at the full body scans of passengers in the buff have camera phones? I know a lot of travelers are cringe inducing, but if the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are lined up for the scanner, you can bet that the officers on the other end are excited.

If there's a merger between the Airport Security Employees Union and the Pornography Directors of America Union, there's reason to be worried.

Oh, it's all because some terrorist tried to smuggle a bomb inside his underwear. Right. He was probably taking one for the team on behalf of all peeping toms. What's next, the exploding bra? The thong sling shot?

The "Don't touch my junk" guy has a great point. Do passengers really need to feel like they've just worked the champagne room at a strip club? They're telling us to let them see beneath our clothes or they'll feel us up. Oh, and they've got guns and handcuffs if we don't like it. Does pimping count as a qualification on the resume?

So how can we avoid getting fondled? Try being ugly, but don't resort to a Mrs Doubtfire mask because that will make it worse once they rip it off. Maybe try not showering for a week before the flight. They'll keep their distance.