Strikes and strings: Five ways to spice up Marlins games with musical instruments

The Miami Marlins are desperate, and not just for wins. The team is last in MLB in attendance after beginning yet another roster rebuild.
Ownership’s solution? Bring on the drums!
Derek Jeter’s team will turn a section of the outfield stands next year into “Comunidad 305”, where musical instruments and flags will be encouraged.

Marlins Park, photograph by D Ramey Logan via Wikimedia

Yes, this is thinly-veiled pandering to Latin fans, who showed their infectious enthusiasm for baseball at the World Baseball Cup games in the very same Miami Park by bringing flags and noisemakers. For some reasons, fans aren’t quite as excited to root for a Marlins team with zero star power that’s headed for 90-plus losses.
When next season rolls around, I’m sure there will be much more excitement in the stands. No, not because of the team. The musical instrument section could tremendous fun for the fans.
Imagine during a slow-paced, quiet game, fans become their own entertainment by performing music. On most nights, Marlins Park is quiet enough that you could hear a band in the outfield from behind center plate. Forget the action on the field, why not show the baseball world Miami’s musical talents?
Here are my Top 5 ideas for using musical instruments at Marlins games next season:

• Battle of the Bands: Bring your guitars, drums, fiddles, banjos, or whatever you play, and jam out with your band members. Each band gets a half inning to show their stuff. Clearly, the best innings to pick are when the Marlins are pitching, because those will probably last longer.
• Opera: Seat a full orchestra (plus conductor) together in the stands along with a few opera singers with booming voices. Wouldn’t you like to hear “La bohème” while a pitcher is on the mound scratching himself?
• Elvis vs Celia Cruz night: Pick your favorite icon and join the musical duel. Americana vs Cuban-American. At the top of the inning, Elvis impersonators strum their guitars and croon. At the bottom of the inning, Celia impersonators sing their salsa and rumba with a percussion section. Whichever group wins gets to de-wig the losers.
• Slide whistle hell: One slide whistle is cute. A second slide whistle is amusing. A third slide whistle, I want to rip that damn thing from your hands and throw it in the garbage. Imagine a whole outfield section of fans randomly, constantly tooting the slide whistle. Instead of “accidentally” throwing at opposing hitters, Marlins pitches might zing a few fastballs into the crowd.
• Gong show: Say the fans actually wanted to help the team. Everyone bring a gong. When the opposing team is batting, ring the gong in unison the instant after the ball leaves the pitcher’s hand. When the Marlins are batting, bang those gongs as the opposing pitcher is winding up. Mind games.

Have any better ideas? Let me hear them.

What I would make Miami Art Museum do for $35M

What’s with all the bellyaching over Related Group’s Jorge Perez asking the Miami Art Museum to take on his name in exchange for a $35 million donation? A recent CBS4/Miami Herald poll found that 54 percent of local residents said it was a bad idea. I don’t think the new name, the Jorge M. Perez Art Museum of Miami-Dade County, is all that outrageous considering the amount of money he’s giving them. Is a little name change really too much to ask in exchange for a small fortune? 

Now if that was my donation, we’d be talking some major changes over there.

Not like I have $35 million to throw around, but if I did, the art museum would have to consent to my list of demands to get my cash. I’d insist on it being named The BRIAN BANDELL Museum of Super-Awesomeness (and art) of Miami. Yes, my name in all caps is part of the contract, thank you.

Now about those exhibits. If this museum is truly to reflect my monumental donation, then I want no less than 20 percent of the exhibits to be Bandell family portraits and pictures of me posing as scifi movie characters. And I’m not talking about the exhibits hidden behind the trash cans. I want prime wall real estate, with bullet proof glass, 24/7 security and eternal spotlights. 

Got a problem with that? Thirty-five million dollars.

What else does that buy? How about the right to make this museum truly super-awesome? I plan to turn over to the curator the following list of must-buy items that my donation shall procure:

-          The toy car that the late Ryan Dunn lodged in his anus in the movie Jackass.

-          The glass mirror that Lindsay Lohan snorted cocaine off of.

-          The stained Monica Lewinski dress.

-          Vials of fat liposuctioned from celebrities, with labels ie: Heidi Montag’s thighs.

-          The microphone Rick Perry used when he made his inspiring “I can’t remember” speech.

-          The blue speedo UFC fighter Dennis Hallman wore into the cage before getting his ass kicked.

-          A wax sculpture of Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf.

-          The rubber hand that wresting legend Mae Young “gave birth” to on WWE television after getting “impregnated” by Mark Henry.

-          A wall-spanning photo essay on the training regimen of Major League Eating’s superstars.

-          An entire wing dedicated to the passionate lovemaking of humpback whales.  

Now that’s a museum I would visit! It would be worth every penny, yes, all 3.5 billion of them. 

Compared to my list (albeit imaginary), I don’t think Perez is asking the museum for too much. After all, this is South Florida, where entire universities and hospitals are named after their biggest donors. 

On second thought, maybe I should donate my pretend $35 million to a university instead. Does the BRIAN BANDELL School of Sheer Genius have a nice ring to it?

Job options for Anthomy Weiner

Poor Huma! Not only is hubby Anthony Weiner a twitter cheater and a pervert, he is unemployed now too. Barbara Walters said she is worried about Weiner getting a job because politics is all he knows. So I will help him and Huma out by offering some bold choices for Weiner's next career move.

- Weiner could join up with Miami city manager Tony Crapp Jr, who is ready to resign. They could form Weiner Crapp Consulting.

- Perhaps Weiner should be an image consultant for other celebs who want to improve their image through Twitter. What tweeting advice would Weiner give to LeBron James?

- Run for mayor of Cockeysville, Maryland.

- Reality TV could be in his future. How about a house with Weiner, Jesse James, John Gosslin and Scott Peterson? Call it Real Horrible Husbands.

- Another great TV fit for Weiner would be Israeli star Guy Penis (I'm not making that name up.) It would be the Weiner Penis Show. What would they talk about there?

- Weiner should be a male stripper. He loves taking his clothes off. He has studied the fine art, as shown by his emails to stripper/porn star Ginger Lee. What's the difference between a political fundraiser and getting dollar bills stuffed in your briefs?

- If Weiner wants to stay in public service, he should work for the post office. As he said in his emails to Ginger, Weiner's always concerned about his package.